I Thou shalt have no other God except thyself; after all, it’s thy self-esteem that counts.  If thou doth not love thee, who will?

II Thou shalt not make any graven images out of any substances which cannot be recycled.

III Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a victim of America.

IV Remember the anniversaries of Roe v. Wade and Anita Hill’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.

V Honor thy mother.  If she’s dysfunctional, it’s thy father’s fault.

VI Thou shalt not kill.  With these exceptions:  life forms under the second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.

VII Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Unless thou aspirest to high political office, useth a condom, or thou cannot help it.

VIII Thou shalt not steal.  Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with a jury verdict.

IX Thou shalt not bear false witness.  Unless thou art discussing the history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal counsel in the event thou art discovered---and can ask the American people to pay thy legal bills.

X Thou shalt not covet.  Unless thou art the victim of gender-related oppression or institutional racism, or art still angry with Reagan’s tax cuts.

XI Always hide the real truth about thyself.

XII Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.

XIII Always blame someone else for what thou doest---even so far as to blame the entire society.

XIV Thou shalt oppose all punishment---except when conservative Republicans or religious right people criticize thee.